


A discovery

by destielsuperwholockbandhoorah



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Asexual Dan, Asexuality, Fluff, M/M, Phan - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-27
Updated: 2015-05-27
Packaged: 2018-04-01 13:32:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4021708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/destielsuperwholockbandhoorah/pseuds/destielsuperwholockbandhoorah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything was going great with Phil, so why did Dan suddenly feel like everything was wrong? Turns out there was some discovery for Dan to make about himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A discovery

**Author's Note:**

> My first and only phanfic (so far), written for my friend Kayla.

Phil sighed a little and snuggled in closer to Dan's side as the two of them sat on the couch at Phil's house. Dan smiled over at his boyfriend and leaned over the small distance required to kiss him on the top of his head. The television played on mindlessly in front of them, as Phil turned his head with a small expectant smile, and Dan happily went along with it, leaning in to kiss Phil on the lips.  
  
It started innocent enough, just the soft pressure of lips, the slight slide of movement, and Dan was totally okay with that. He enjoyed it very much actually, and reached around Phil with his arms to pull his boyfriend closer. He enjoyed the closeness of Phil, the smell of him filling up his nose, the taste of him on his tongue. It was warmth and it was heaven, and in the soft afternoon sun that was miraculously coming in the window that day, it almost felt surreal, like a dream. One of the very few that Dan hoped he never woke up from.   
  
Because he loved Phil so much, so much more than he had ever expected to care for anyone, and it scared him sometimes. They had only met in person recently, a few months actually, so this physical side of their relationship was still very new to Dan. But they had known each other for so long, and Dan couldn't even remember when he started to love Phil. Probably somewhere around the first time he smiled for Dan, or laughed or woke him up with a middle of the night phone call to share some _crucial_ fact about lions. He loved all of Phil, from his eyes, clearer blue than the water of any river he had ever seen, to his hands and through his hair, his laugh and his smile and the way he held Dan so close and so carefully, so that Dan could _feel_ how much Phil cared through the way his hands fisted in Dan's shirt and trailed long his arms and played with his hair. He loved it so much that he was very taken aback when all of a sudden something felt very wrong.  
  
Phil had leaned them back on the couch, so that he was over Dan, and Dan was totally okay with that. That was, until there was the smallest shift. Phil slid his hand a little lower, so that it teased with the edge of Dan's low slung pants, and some of his fingers grabbed at Dan's ass and that would have been maybe fine except that at almost the same time, Phil leaned down more, so that his thigh pressed into Dan's groin and all of a sudden everything was very much not okay, and Dan was gasping back and Phil was asking what was wrong and Dan had huddled up in the corner of the couch in the fetal position. He had his head down, and he knew Phil was talking but he couldn't hear him really. All he could hear was the rushing of blood in his ears, and the voice in his head telling him that he had seriously fucked up.  
  
"Dan?" Phil's words finally broke through and Dan looked up. He sounded so genuinely hurt and concerned that Dan just couldn't take it.  
  
"I have to go to use the loo," Dan said, standing up abruptly, unfolding his long legs as quickly as he could and all but fleeing the room, not daring to look back at Phil, because he knew that the look would probably break him.  
  
He sat down heavily on the lid of the toilet and put his head in his hands. What the hell had just happened back there? Everything had been going so nice and perfect and then? Phil had started to go farther than kissing and Dan had panicked. It had just felt so wrong all of a sudden. And Dan knew it hadn't been Phil. It had been him, Dan, and that something had gone wrong, the moment had burst, it had broken, Dan had broken, Dan _was_ broken. He groaned softly.  
  
This would all be easier if he could just be a normal boyfriend. One who didn't freak out at the slightest hint of a press to his crotch. A crotch that was decidedly much less excited than the one pressing into it. Dan just didn't understand. He _liked_ Phil, a lot. And he found him visually appealing, of course. And he assumed that meant he found him attractive. In the physical sense. But there had been no reaction other than happiness at the kissing they had been doing, in a situation where clearly it was supposed to be going on. Obviously, since it was for Phil, and nothing was wrong with Phil. Dan was the problem, as always, he sighed to himself again.  
  
Why didn't he seem to want that with Phil? He'd never really given much thought to sex before, as he had always expected to remain single for the rest of his life. And once he and Phil became a thing, he'd just assumed that whatever it as would just happen. Everyone wanted sex, that's what Dan had thought. He had thought he wanted it, but he had never tried any of that, so he didn't know what he was supposed to be feeling. He had thought that the feeling that filled his heart when he was with Phil, he had thought that that was it. But apparently it wasn't, and Dan was wrong and broken and hiding in his maybe-boyfriend's bathroom. He laughed dryly, a sort of dark humor about the whole situation.  
  
That's when there was a very tentative knock at the door. Phil. "Dan?" he said, "Are you alright? You've been in there a while."  
  
Dan swallowed and sat up, attempting to put his fringe back where it belonged, after his hands had messed with it. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, just don't feel well," he replied. Well, it wasn't entirely a lie.  
  
"Okay." There was silence, and then, "Do you wanna go home?"  
  
Dan squeezed his eyes shut, attempting to stop the tears that suddenly threatened. "No," he said quietly. He knew Phil had heard him. _No, I don't want to go home. I don't want to ever leave here, to leave you. That scares me more than anything, that you'll understand that something is wrong with me and you'll leave me forever and I don't think I could survive that._ The words all floated around in his head, but he could only get out that one small little "no."  
  
"Okay," Phil said, sounding worried, and oh, if it didn't break Dan's heart. "What do you want then?"  
  
_I want to be normal. I want to never lose you._ The words were loud.  But Dan was silent. He heard a shifting outside the door, and was pretty sure that Phil had sat down and was leaning against the wall next to the door. Dan smiled sadly. How did he ever get someone like Phil? The most amazing person in the world, Dan was sure of it. And there was such an intense, physical pain in his chest over it that he could barely breathe. He felt like he had already lost Phil, and he didn't even know why. He missed him. He missed the feeling of knowing that nothing was wrong. Back when he thought that things would just come, before he had messed everything up.   
  
Dan stool up quietly and stepped over to the wall by the door. He thought about leaving for a second, but changed his mind and instead sat down on the floor, approximately where Phil was on the other side. He leaned his head against the wall, wanting to obtain some measure of closeness with Phil, because he wasn't sure he would ever have it again. He didn't know if he could keep Phil, being as he was. Not wanting sex even a little bit. He thought about it for a really long time, sitting on the bathroom floor, almost back to back with Phil. But nothing he could think of made him even the littlest bit feel like he would want to have sex. He thought about it harder than he ever had before, and all he could come up was nothing. He just wanted Phil, but not his body in that way, just Phil, his face and his laugh and the press of his lips and everything else Phil.  
  
It was a little while later, by the time Dan's ass was numb and cold from the tile floor, and there was a crick in his neck, when Phil tried again. "Dan?" He began, and then waited for Dan to say something. So Dan made a sort of acknowledging grunt, not trusting words. Phil continued. "Dan, I am not going to pretend that I know what happened, because I don't, and I want you to know that whatever I did, I'm sorry," with a lump in his throat, Dan heard Phil choke up a little, "please just talk to me, I'm sorry."  
  
Dan felt an overwhelming rush of guilt enter him. Here he had been thinking about himself for so long, that he had almost entirely forgotten that Phil was probably worried and confused, and Dan had left him out there without a word.  
  
"You didn't do anything wrong, I'm sorry," Dan managed, his voice a little hoarse. And suddenly he was up and opening the door. "It wasn't your fault. I’m just being an idiot."  
  
Phil looked up at him from where he sat on the floor, and Dan could see that his eyes were red rimmed and a little puffy, and Dan felt more guilt. "Hey," Phil almost-whispered.  
  
"Hey," Dan answered, and extended a hand to Phil. _Must act normal._ Phil took it and Dan hauled him up. He could tell that Phil wanted to talk about whatever had happened over an hour ago, but Dan couldn't. He was still trying to figure it all out, after the all too sudden realization that what he felt was not what other people felt. That he was not normal, and that something was broken in him.  
  
"I should probably be getting back to my place," Dan said uncertainly, cursing his voice for the waiver in it.  
  
Phil nodded. "Alright," and the two of them walked to Phil's door. The silence between them weighed heavy, and Dan could barely stand it.  
  
At the door, they faced each other momentarily, and both looked on with hesitation.   
  
_Please kiss me,_ Dan wanted to say, _please still want me. Please don't hate me._  
  
And with a face like he was scared that it might go wrong, Phil leaned up to kiss Dan softly on the corner of the mouth. Dan welcomed it gladly, grabbing Phil's elbows and chasing after the kiss with a small one of his own.  
  
They broke apart and Phil smiled a little more confidently at Dan. "See you?" it was almost a question, like he was unsure Dan wanted to come back, and there was hope in his eyes.  
  
"I hope so," Dan answered, and then he was gone, unable to deal with anything more.  
  
_________________________  
  
The next week or so consisted of Dan on the computer (which wasn't new in its own right but) searching through endless pages (he was desperate enough to go to even the third page of google), trying to figure out what was wrong, and what he should do to be just normal. The week also consisted of Dan avoiding Phil a little bit. He felt awful about it, but he was scared of being wrong again, and he knew that Phil was better off finding someone else. Dan just wasn't ready to let go yet.  
  
In all his research he did find something. Asexuality. It could be the answer. But it was really confusing, and Dan wasn't entirely sure what he felt in the first place, but he did his best, and he came to feel a lot better about it all.  This was a thing that happened to a lot of people, he wasn't alone. And there were countless people telling him that he was not broken, that it was natural and that it was okay, that he didn't have to want sex. That sex did not have to be a factor of a good relationship, and that if his partner loved him, he shouldn't care if Dan was asexual or not. Dan was most concerned about that then. Would Phil still want to be with him? Phil was normal, Phil obviously wanted what Dan never could, and that thought terrified Dan more than anything. He felt like he had to talk to Phil but he had no idea how. He didn't want Phil to leave him. He knew it would break him.  
  
The decision of when to talk was taken out of his hands though, as Phil confronted him almost a week after the first problem. There was a knock on Dan's door and there was Phil on the other side of it.  
  
"Phil!" Dan was surprised. And then nervous and then worried.  
  
"Hey Dan," Phil said, his face more serious than Dan was ever used to seeing it.  
  
"Wanna come in?" Dan stepped to the side, and Phil entered with a nod.  
  
As soon as the door was closed, Phil spun on him. "I need to know what the hell is going on, Dan," Phil said, with a voice that quiet and subdued and a little angry. It was a little scary to see coming from a guy like Phil, who was practically made of lions and sunshine put together with glitter glue.  
  
"What?" Playing dumb would give him a minute to put the right words together. Because he wanted to tell Phil, of course he wanted to tell his boyfriend that he had discovered he was asexual. But how did he drop the bomb like that? _Hey Phil, I just realized I'm asexual and I don't like sex but I love you so please don't leave me and break my heart yeah that’d be great._  
  
Yeah, because that would go _so_ well.  
  
Phil didn't deign his play with even an answer, he just narrowed his eyes a little. And Dan sighed.  
  
Might as well be direct. He'd only got everything to lose.  
  
"I'm asexual." The words hung heavily in the air, untouched for several seconds, until Phil let out a tiny sound. Dan wasn't sure what it was, but looked up from his shoes to find Phil giving him a tiny little smile.  
  
"Is that all, Dan? Why didn't you tell me before? I wouldn't have gone so far without checking with you."  
  
"I didn't know before." Dan said, melancholic, still staring at his shoes, and heard Phil make a noise of understanding. He felt himself choking up, and hated himself for it, but there was nothing he could do. Dan wrapped his arms around himself and blinked furiously at the floor, trying to get rid of the tears, but to no avail, as soon they started to slide down his face. "Please don't leave me," he said, almost with a sob.  
  
And before he could even let in another shaky and slightly gasping inhale, there were a pair of pale arms around him, and a body pressed to his chest. This, now this was nice. He felt like someone starved for touch, as he unfolded himself to wrap his arms around Phil in return, and to drop his head to his boyfriend's shoulder and finally let out the pressure from the tears that had been building. Phil just held him tighter and whispered, "I'm not gonna leave you. I'd never leave you. I love you." And there were tears on Dan's shoulder as well.  
  
"I love you too," Dan choked out, wishing that he could say it properly, without all the pain and the tears. But he supposed it was more important at times like this. "I was researching it and when I found out, I was so scared that you wouldn't want to be with me, because you want sex, I know you do, and I don't know why you say you'll stay with me because I can't be what you want-"  
  
Phil interrupted him, "Dan, you will always be what I want. And if that doesn't include sex, I am totally okay with that, as long as I can have the rest of you. You are all I need, and sex doesn't have to be important in that, okay? I love you and I love being with you. Please don't ever doubt that, okay? I would do anything for you, please know that."  
  
Dan couldn't form an answer past another sob, and so he pulled Phil as close as he could.  
  
"We can do this," Phil said firmly, pulling back to look into Dan's eyes. Dan nodded. Phil reached up to wipe away some of the tears from Dan's face. "No more crying, alright?"  
  
"Hypocrite," Dan laughed, reaching up to return the favor.  
  
Phil smiled and let his hand drift to the back of Dan's neck. "I'd really like to kiss you now, if that's okay?" Phil asked, eyes already starting to fall shut.  
  
" _Please,_ " Dan answered, leaning in and closing his eyes as his lips met Phil's, letting everything fall back into that comfort and simplicity that it was before, but with a new understanding that made it all the sweeter.


End file.
